Month: November 2003 (Page 2 of 2)

What to do when your only overwhelming feeling is “I don’t want to do this (i.e. my work at school)!!”? It would be nice if there was an overwhelming corresponding feeling of “This (fill in the blank) is what I really want to do!”. That would be too easy and consequently no fun, right? I don’t think so. I think it would be great fun to have an overwhelming drive toward something rather than away from it.

I could start with this morning. What would’ve I rather been doing when the alarm rang at 5:20 a.m.? Why, sleeping more of course! I went to bed a little after 8:00 p.m. last night so it’s surprising I still felt tired when the alarm rang. Must still be catching up on sleep from some shortage in the near past. Yesterday I bounded out of bed at 6:20, even though it was a Sunday, because I had a riding lesson at 8:00 a.m. I don’t mind getting up early for that, at least for now while taking lessons is still very novel. Very novel? I’ve been taking lessons since July.

Last time I worked with horses for a living (from about 1986 through 1988) I felt like something was missing from my intellectual life — not that working with horses is for dummies by any means. Remembering that makes me hesistant to pursue working with horses for a living again. On the other hand, this pure intellectual life in the PhD program isn’t entirely satisfying either. Once again, I strive for balance. Don’t we all?

This morning I had a flash of insight that what I really need to be doing is working for the park or forest service at my former salary and buy a horse or two for fun. I’m not sure if that’s exactly correct either, since thinking of writing controversial management plans as part of any job I’d probably have makes me blanch. I tend to forget that the reason I went to graduate school was so that when I do have to write management plans, they will be based on science to support any decisions that may impact natural resources. In my opinion, in order to write a science-based document, one must be a scientist. Oh yeah, that’s why I’m here. Perhaps while I’m here, I’ll go work on some science.

Last night we went to a play at LA Community College in Hollywood. One of my husband’s rock climbing friends has been taking acting classes at the college and debuted as a detective in this production of “Stop Kiss”, which may or may not have been on Broadway. In any event, the actors were all drama students of the theater program but the play was written by a professional.

The stage was more like a dance floor with chairs for the audience in a right angle around the stage. The setting is very intimate. The play opened with a 20-something female dancing by herself to very loud music in her apartment. From there scenes shifted very quickly for the next 90 minutes. The next scene was the detective questioning tihs 20-something about her friend, who was beaten badly while they walked in a New York park at 4:15 a.m. The play started in the beginning, progressed to the ending, then sort of worked backward and forward from the respective points then ended in the middle, which I thought was very clever and effective. It wasn’t long before you knew the story so it was easy to keep up with the quickly changing scenes and sets.

The play was about two female 20-somethings — one had lived in New York since college, the other just arrived from St. Louis. They were unlikely friends then eventually fell in love with each other. The reason why the one from St. Louis (Sarah) was beaten was because they were caught kissing in the park by a violent, homophobic cretin. The play ended at this scene where they started kissing but before the beating. It was a great place to end, climactic in its own right because the audience knew all along that they were falling in love. Where the story really ended was a scene or two prior, where Callie is trying to help the still severely injured Sarah get dressed in her hospital room. Sarah’s family wants to take her back home but Callie knows that she wouldn’t want that so Callie is telling Sarah (who has just come out of a coma and is still not very coherent) that they can manage together. Callie gets her dressed and begs Sarah to pick her over her family. It was a fantastic story with good acting by this group.

When we left, the heater in our car got stuck in the on position so it was a very warm ride home. Thank goodness we’ve had cool weather lately. It started raining some time in the night. When the alarm went off at 6:20 it was raining. I wondered whether my riding class was going to be cancelled but remembered that Rachelle emphasized that they usually don’t cancel classes and that just because it was raining at home, didn’t mean it was raining at the stable. So I breakfasted and dressed, left the house at 7:00.

A few rain showers dampened the drive in. I thought I might have to just turn around and go home. Once I got to the stable the rain had stopped again. I found Rachelle in the barn. She told me that everyone else had cancelled but I could ride. I felt kind of bad that I was the only one who showed because this is supposed to be a group lesson; I was not a group. I groomed and saddled a bay mare named Polly. She freaks out when she’s tied so I had to groom and tack in her stall, which is a little inconvenient but better than a freak out.

It started raining hard again just as I finished so we stood in the barn for a while. Then it stopped. I found Rachelle waiting for me. It didn’t rain at all again during my lesson. Polly has a smooth trot so I started off on the wrong diagonal in the posting trot and had to be told by Rachelle to change. Oops. Rookie mistake. Normally I can feel whether or not I’m posting on the correct diagonal. With Polly I have to look.

We made lots of small circles in both directions. She’s fairly stiff going to the right. Polly can use lots of circle work to bend her. Rachelle warned me that she can be resistant when asked to canter but to keep after her, which I did. I got the canter but going to the left it felt to me like she was falling in to the inside, which made it difficult for me to balance properly. Rachelle wanted me to put more weight on my left stirrup but to me, I felt like we’d just fall over on to that side. Rachelle said Polly did fall in to the right but not the left, which is not what I felt at all. In fact, I felt the complete opposite. The perspective from the ground versus astride the horse is very different and most often it’s easier to see what’s going on from the gorund, so I don’t doubt her at all.

Polly is very stiff around the turns at a canter in both directions. Frequently I felt like we were having a wrestling match with the reins. Once I got myself calmed down and organized with her by using my seat and legs instead of the reins so much, we had a few nice go arounds at the canter. Then we got to go over a jump at the trot. Polly has a very round jump so the first time I went over a low crossrail, I felt like she way over jumped it and I got kind of behind the motion so was bumped in the butt with the saddle. After that, I understood what to do — drove her withmy legs and supported her with my hands — and we had a few nice jumps. Rachelle seemed very glad to teach me even though I was the only one who showed up today. I probably would’ve been a little annoyed at first if all my students had cancelled except one because all of a sudden there should be a free hour to do other things. In any event I got to ride, which makes me ecstatically happy.

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Yesterday I had my evaluation ride at Traditional Equestrian School with Rachelle, the show jumping instructor. The evaluation went well. I think Rachelle was impressed with my riding, but perhaps more with my horsemanship. Most importantly, I did not overstate my ability. I’m quite certain this happens frequently. When I first started taking lessons way back in 1986, I’m sure I overstated my abilities. Certainly I had ridden before and actually a lot but it was bareback on my friend’s fat pasture ponies. I definitely thought I could ride and handle horses. It turned out that I had a lot to learn. So now I’m careful when I describe my background. I have been riding for years, most of my life in fact but I my skill level is still quite novice when I think about how many years I have actually been riding.

While Rachelle showed me around the whole Los Angeles Equestrian Center facility, which is quite large, she asked me what my goals were. Oh no! Not the goal question! I told her I had really enjoyed cow penning and team roping a long time ago and would like to get into that again some day. For now I was interested in jumping, although I wasn’t certain how high I’d like to jump because the majority of people I know who jump have suffered major injuries, like broken backs. All fully recovered (with perhaps the exception of Christopher Reeves) and most have continued to ride. But because I’m a little fearful of jumping, perhaps I’d like to learn dressage. Well, she said, you’re all over the map. Indeed.

The truth is I just want to be involved with horses on many levels. Being around horses makes me happy like nothing else does. Very soon I’d like to own a sweet jumping horse, that may need to be trained beyond being able to carry a saddle and rider with a good attitude. First, I need to learn more skills before I can teach a horse. First, I need to pay off the little bit of debt I have. I’m working on both. Ideally I’d like to work part-time with horses — maybe help a trainer polish some show jumpers. I’d like to team rope and cow pen for fun on weekends. I don’t want to be involved with horses full time because then it would be a job. I’d rather have my job be something I’m not quite attached to. I guess I do have goals. It just took some time for them to take shape and they may evolve as time goes on.

In the meantime I’ll be starting lessons with Rachelle at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday mornings. And I’ll continue to take lessons at 4:00 on Thursday afternoons with Devilyn at Bell Canyon Equestrian Center. My level of involvement with horses is becoming more satisfying. I still feel like I want to move some day to the Pacific Northwest, where we could afford to buy property but I don’t feel the same urgency I did even a couple weeks ago. It’s good to be where I am right now.

This subject is continued from yesterday where I wrote about my horse-related goals. The trouble with horses is that they take a tremendous amount of time, money and energy, which is fine if that’s how you want to spend your time, money, and energy. I do. However, what kind of living does one undertake in order to have time, money, and energy? Therein lies my problem with Goal II.

When I had horses before I was working for a trainer at the stable where my horses were housed. Eventually I moved to place nearby that had 1 1/2 fenced acres so I could keep my horses at home. That was great but I still had to ride more than a mile along an occasionally busy country road to get to the arena. My pasture wasn’t big enough or flat enough to do any meaningful work with my horses. Also, in order to continue to support my horses I had to quit working as a trainer’s assistant (where I had the time, facility, and energy but no money) and get a job as a bookkeeper (where I had money but no time nor energy). This dilemma is the one most often faced by working horse owners.

Before I quit my last job with the Park Service in order to be a grad student, I probably could’ve afforded horses but again time, and especially energy, were the limiting factors. My last job was mentally exhausting. Getting out on a horse a few times a week probably would’ve been good for me, better than drinking and fretting after work. So now that I’m in graduate school, I have time but not the money. I shouldn’t even have time because grad students are supposed to be stressed out all the time and spend too many hours in a lab. I’m not. And for once in my life I feel like I have balance — I’m not working nor playing too hard but doing a reasonable amount of both.

This brings me to my next goal (finally!). Obviously I can’t stay in grad school forever, even if my life is balanced in this situation. For one thing, I don’t want to live on a graduate student’s salary, which is a pittance. Does this mean I should strive for a job in my field (oceanography)? I don’t really enjoy the multi-week research trips on a big ship in the middle of one of the planet’s oceans because I don’t like being gone that long. I could do occasional local trips and just not plan to ride the day I do a local trip because the seasick medication is exhausting. Can I get a job at a universityor college? If I do will my life be as balanced as it is now? Or will I be stressed out about getting enough research and teaching done so I can be eligible for tenure? Should I try to work for a biotech company? Will it be too mind-numbing? Will I spend entire days pipetting some kind of liquid into petri dishes? Should I go back to work for the Park Service but in a different field than fire management? Or will the politics, even witha different job, be as soul-sucking as they were before? Maybe those aren’t my only choices. For once I’m starting have faith that the right opportunity will present itself eventually. But I want to know what the right opportunity is going to be RIGHT NOW because I like to have an eye on the future — as if it’ll make a difference what I’m doing in the present.

Perhaps I should focus on what I’m enjoying right now and let the future shape itself. Maybe this is a clue to what’s inside — my counselor says that I appear to look outward in order to find out what’s inside of me. Okay, I think I’m starting to get it now.

One of the most difficult challenges in life, I think, is to set reasonable goals for yourself. Why set goals in the first place? I set goals so that when the going gets tough, I push on instead of quitting because whatever I’m doing isn’t fun at the moment. I always hope that the hard part is relatively short and fun returns. If fun doesn’t return, I give myself permission to quit usually after an intense and painful internal debate.

I bring this subject up because I’m having a hard time setting goals in two huge areas of my life right now. One of those areas is my horse life. Why am I taking all these lessons and why do I keep changing barns? The reason I started taking lessons is because I love being around horses and riding them. Great, but is my ultimate goal to show? I definitely would like to participate in a show to see if I like it. Showing can be very stressful. I keep changing barns because I’m looking for the feeling of belonging and participating like when I worked at Black Raven Stables in Arlington, WA in the late 1980’s. Neither of the stables I’ve ridden at so far have given me that feeling, although I do really like Devilyn at Bell Canyon Equestrian Center. She’s a lot friendlier than other trainers I’ve taken riding lessons from.

I showed a lot when I had my Paint horse, Sing. She was a young mare, already started under saddle when I bought her as a two-year old. Besides carrying a rider and a saddle, she didn’t know very much. I taught her to be a good little western pleasure horse, which amounts to walking, trotting slowly, and loping around the arena. We also enjoyed riding on trails. After a while western pleasure became boring to me so I started taking hunter/jumper lessons on her, which was only sort of a bad idea. It was a bad idea because Sing didn’t know what she was doing and neither did I. A better combination would be to have a green horse under an experience rider or an experienced horse under a green rider. Sing was very forgiving though and let me make all kinds of mistakes on her. And she was very cute going over low jumps. Eventually I sold her to a girl who had a fair amount of hunter/jumper experience. I hope they got along famously. Selling a horse is a lot like selling a family member. I refused to be present when ownership changed hands. My good friend Nancy handled it for me. She was mad at me for not saying good bye to Sing but I could not handle it. But I trusted that Nancy had found her a good home because Nancy was the person who started Sing under saddle. Nancy loved Sing as much as I did.

At the same time I had Sing, I had a wonderful Appaloosa cow horse named Prince. He was very experienced with cow cutting and team roping. We had a great time chasing cows around together. I wasn’t as close to Prince as I was to Sing so it wasn’t as difficult to lease him to a trainer who taught the tiniest kids how to ride. Prince was a big horse but he’d lower his head and open his mouth so a five-year old girl could bridle him. And he would whoa on voice command, which is very handy in a school horse when other horses in the arena are freaking out at some horse-eating thing blowing in the breeze outside.

In some ways I’d like to be able to relive those memories. I want sweet horses, one who will go over jumps with me and one who will chase cows with me. Ultimately I want to have fun. I had to sell my horses back then because I was going to college and had neither time nor money. I sort of wish I had just stuck it out and kept them. Regrets make you do things differently, as long as we learn from them. On the other hand, if I had kept them I would have missed out on all the things I did between 1993 and today. The horses would have prevented me from being mobile, from being able to be a Park Service vagrant. I needed the experiences I had in order to grow. I have arrived. I need my horses back, even if they’re a different pair.

Goals: well, I guess I sort of spelled it out in those previous paragraphs. I’m inspired by an instructor at TES. She started taking lesson at age 30! How cool is that? And she has a job working with horses. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what I want but I certainly wouldn’t mind trying that out! I’ve always been under the impression that riding instructors and trainers needed to start showing (and winning) at age 4, like Rachelle, who I’ll be taking a lesson with tomorrow. But Anita is pure proof that it can be done even if you start late. A mental thanks to Anita who has, without her knowledge, given me permission to think about that as a goal. I like this idea because it’s less stress than taking care of 80 retired horses, when you’re near 80 yourself. One other instructor from TES inspires me as well. She doesn’t have an impressive past history working with horses. She’s had a satisfying career; her best credential is that she loves horses. That should be good enough but in many barns it’s not. Maybe I’ll talk more about that later but I should mention that horse people are very clique-ish and it’s tough to break into those tight little successful circles.

Tomorrow perhaps I’ll post about the other goal I’m having trouble with, although that goal and the horse goal are tightly linked.

When I was about 18, I worked as a secretary/bookkeeper for a construction company. The receptionist was about 40 years old then. Penny was divorced, had two mostly grown daughters that lived with their father, had a dead-end career, and seemed to be soul-searching. I liked her a lot because she was funny and a nice lady. But I was shocked to realize one day that she was still soul-searching. When I was 18 I had the impression I would have life all figured out by the time I was Penny’s age. I would be able to sit back, relax, and take things as they come, and have great days every single day.

Now that I’m closer to 40 than 18, I’ve realized that I’m much more like Penny than I ever imagined. At least in terms of soul-searching, not having life all figured out by now. I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Do I want to be an oceanographer, even though that’s what I’m studying for my PhD program? I kind of doubt it. While I like to go out on boats, I prefer to do it for pleasure. And of course, I get seasick on small boats. So I spend the day medicated, which is exhausting. I prefer not to be exhausted if I can help it. Do I want to make horses my life? I tried that once and found that career choice poverty inducing. I don’t like to be poor if I can help it. What’s a happy medium? Part-time horses and part-time job that will support my horse habit?

Since I’ve been a graduate student I’ve been able to look back on a few of my steady jobs with a certain amount of fondness and nostalgia. Even though those jobs seemed incredibly dull at the time, I now realize that they kept me in a cozy house, in groceries, supported a reliable vehicle, and some fun things to spend my free time with. I sort of wish I still had that. However, becoming a graduate student after having a well-paid career (though soul-sucking) with the government has taught me a lesson in money management. A lesson, unfortunately, I desperately needed. No matter how much money I made, I spent it all. I’ve found that I can live on half to a third of what I was making. And now I’m riding horses twice a week! I can’t imagine where all that “extra” money went before — certainly not in my bank account.

I don’t know what the answer is, just like my friend Penny back in 1984. The search for answers does make life interesting. One possible answer is more involvement with horses than I have now. I do ride twice a week but I show up at the barn, the horse is already saddled for me and when I’m done, I hand the reins to the next rider or to one of the grooms. Hardly involved. Not like I was when I took lesson at Black Raven Stables in Arlington, WA in the late 1980’s. I was able to do some work around the barn to help pay for my lessons. That work was a real education. It’s hard to know horses unless you’re involved in the full care: groom, feed, clean stalls, and handle horses. This is the kind of involvement I crave. So, I’m checking out yet a third stable. This place is housed within the Los Angeles Equestrian Center, which is a huge facility in Burbank. Within the facility there are a number of horse training establishments, including the Traditional Equitation School, which has a big program with lots of involvement opportunities. I’m hoping to check it out soon. And maybe soon I’ll find some answers to the question, what do I want in my life?

I just love this autumn weather SoCal is experiencing right now. It’s been chilly (for here), a little breezy, and rainy. Because I love this weather, I’m certain it’s a sign that I don’t truly belong here. I’ve noticed that the real southern Californians hate this weather and prefer temps closer to 100F than below 70F. The younger ones complain when they actually have to wear clothes. Poor babes. An expensive tan and impressive abs must not be as much fun. Never fear, reliable sunshine and hot temps will be back. It always is.

Because I’m from western Washington, I’m used to people complaining how dark and cold it is up there especially around the time change. A number of people I know who still live there or used to, say they get depressed this time of year because of the long, dark, cold winter ahead. In SoCal I look forward to autumn precisely because it’s dark, therefore cooler, for more hours of the day. Some autumn days still feel like a blast furnace during the heat of the day but relief is on the way when the sun drops behind the oak tree in our neighbor’s back yard. Springtime in SoCal is my time for getting depressed because I know the long, hot, blast furnace of a summer is ahead. From May until the end of October the heat can be relentless. People who belong here love it. Give me dark, cold, and wet anytime. Suddenly I’m less cranky.

I’ve decided to move to Typepad from Salon blogs. Salon blogs is a little frustrating for a non-computer type like myself. Several times I’ve needed help on the most basic functions. I’m in the 30-day trial period with Typepad. I hope I like it here and am inspired to post more often.

Yesterday I had a riding lesson in the morning. It was blissfully cool for a change. I wish I could count on this weather for the rest of autumn and winter but I know that it can be 90F any month of the year in SoCal. I rode Louie, the agreeable chestnut thoroughbred. He seemed to be kind of lazy and grumpy. The instructor told me that I was his fourth lesson. No wonder he was grumpy. He’s not a very sound horse, which is unfortunate (it’s always unfortunate when a horse is unsound) because Louie really likes to jump. He trots lazily around the arena. He has to be nudged with the legs and occasionally tapped with the crop to remind him to pick up his feet. Then once he’s aimed toward a jump, he suddenly has a lot of go. I’ve had to haul back on the reins hard a few times because he’d race around the arena after a jump. When he’s like that, it’s hard to aim him toward the next jump. Yesterday, though, I had to tap him a couple times approaching the jump because he just didn’t quite have enough forward momentum. In fact, he had to refuse twice — not because he wanted to but he just didn’t have enough oomph to get over the jump.

Every time I have a jumping lesson I wonder whether I’m going to fall off during the lesson. Once in a while I get completely unbalanced over jumps, lose a stirrup and occasionally one side of the reins. If I’m riding Louie, it’s no big deal. He’ll slow down and stop. If I’m riding Reiny, he’ll charge around the arena until I gain control of my balance, which is difficult on a moving horse. Sandy, my Saturday instructor, doesn’t like me to ride Reiny. Devilyn, my Thursday instructor, has let me ride him more frequently but lately Louie has been my most regular mount, which is fine because Louie is a sweet horse. I just feel sorry for him because he limps a bit before he gets warmed up. What do you do with a horse like that? You can’t just retire them. They like to have jobs, a purpose in life. Although sometimes I think Louie wouldn’t mind being turned out with a bunch of other nice geldings. On the other hand, Louie really likes to jump. I wonder if he’d miss it. And he seems to like people. He might miss being around people. The instructors are really good about putting him away for the day if he limps too much. Usually the rider has to let him limp around the arena for a round or two then he goes without limping. That’s a good sign, I think.

After I had my riding lesson, a friend of mine came to visit. She lives two hours north. We grew up together in Washington so it’s great we ended up in California together, within visiting distance. Sometimes we don’t see each other much. She’s a busy mom with two small children and we’re both university students. She’s trying to finish her bachelor’s degree; I’m in the PhD program at UCLA.

Today Dave and I hiked in Devil’s Canyon to get a good look at that part of the Simi Fire. We definitely got a good look as it was black all over the place. We walked a total of 5 or 6 miles round trip. The blackened hills are going to be beautiful in the spring when they’re covered with wildflowers.