Month: May 2004

On days like today, that is, when I’ve been in a mood, I like to reflect the differences between today and a year ago because I like to believe that progress of some sort has been made. A year ago today was the final day of the 35 day research cruise on the research vessel Seward Johnson. We had been cruising the western Equatorial Atlantic for five weeks and were pulling into port, when I misstepped on a flight of stairs that I had ran up and down in high seas and low seas and sprained my ankle so badly I had to be on crutches for a few days.

Today, a year later, on the other hand, I had a fabulous jumping lesson on the schoolmaster, Queen Sophia. Last year at this time I had taken a couple riding lessons as a reintroduction to riding after having been away from it for about 12 years. Then I went on the research cruise. Then sprained my ankle. So I didn’t get to seriously start riding again until July. Ten months later, I’m comfortably riding a course of 3′ jumps. My two-point position is pretty good, I can switch diagonals on the up instead of the down (horse people will know what I mean), my trainer doesn’t yell at me to keep my heels down any more, and I’m using my legs to drive the horse forward rather than pumping with my upper body and seat. That’s a lot of progress. My trainer is comfortable with me showing any time. All I have to do is buy the clothes. So far I have show breeches. In June, I’ll look at boots and possibly a jacket on consignment. Then all I need is a collared shirt, called a ratcatcher for some reason. And gloves. My velvet helmet should be good.

That I’ve made so much progress in my riding is good for my soul. My trainer tells me what I’m doing wrong and how to correct it and I do it. I can follow directions, it turns out. This progress is so important to me as I become more overwhelmed with my upcoming teaching assignments. Teach a lab on basic oceanography. I have no idea how to start. An interactive cd? A video? We can’t exactly make currents and different density water parcels in the lab. How about a field trip to Scripps? They have all kinds of interactive sets in the aquarium display. Oh wait, that’s too far. I also have to make a presentation on material I barely understand on Wednesday. My confidence is shaky. Thank goodness I’m riding well. I’m grateful to be reminded that I do something well. I need this kind of confidence booster in times like these.

Busybusybusybusybusy. Most of my writing has suffered, although I have managed to make an occasional entry in my paper journal. Gone are the days when I looked to different Internet writing lists and blogs to entertain me and inspire me to write. I’m not sure why exactly my days have changed but I’m busy from the time I get up until I got to bed. One thing I’m not willing to sacrifice is sleep. I need at least 8 hours per night or I’m not happy and many others near me are not happy either.

The good news is that I’m riding several times a week: two lessons a week plus whatever other time I can practice on Goldie in the evenings. My riding seems to have improved a notch. I’m riding my mount to the jumps (as opposed to throwing the reins up the horse’s neck near the jump) and I’m going around more complicated courses over 3~ jumps. Some day I’d like to try eventing but for now my first goal is to show in the hunter ring this fall. I bought my show breeches: Tailored Sportsman. Now I have to save up for a jacket, tall boots, ratcatcher (anyone know why the collared shirt is called a ratcatcher?), and gloves. Hopefully my velvet helmet meets the safety requirements, although the helmet doesn’t cost as much as the jacket or boots, or breeches. Go figure…

I’m also gardening a bit more lately, even though in my ’50 truths about me’ I said I only enjoyed the thought of gardening. Well, I’ve actually been enjoying, doing the gardening as I’m seeing results: peaches on the tree, tomatoes, lettuce, eggplant, bell peppers. I used to have more personal time at school but I don’t any more. Part of the reason is that Thursday is horse day every week. I take a riding lesson in the morning then volunteer at RideOn in the afternoon. Those days are incredibly satisfying and I wish every day were like them. Alas, they’re not. No one will pay me to take riding lessons. If I could figure out how to do that then write a book about it, I’d be a millionaire! In any event, because on Thursdays I get little dissertation project or class project stuff done, I actually have to concentrate all my work when I’m on campus. Sheesh, one of the reasons I wanted to be a grad student, besides to be mentally challenged, was to have more control over my time. Oh yes, horse Thursday. Did I ever get that when I worked full time? Of course not! I guess I really do have everything I want right now: challenge,horses, garden, volunteer work.

It’s a sorry state of affairs when I have to check into my own blog. Yet the reasons for this is not so bad. I’ve been coming out of my little introvert, introspective shell to reach out to real live people and to do real live things. I feel as though I have blossomed a little bit; I’m turning into the person I really want to be: active, not afraid to interact with people or be social.

It’s been quite a week or two. I’ve had several social engagements this week and it did not freak me out. Normally one mid-week is too many. This time I’ve been thinking about the day, rather than the entire week, so I’ve not been overwhelmed by too mcuh social time. On Tuesday I went out to dinner with a few of my girlfriends. Last night Dave and I attended the exclusive Pat Brown Institute Awards Ceremony. Dave’s company is a sponsor the of Pat Brown Institute of Public Policy at Cal State LA so he happened on some free tickets. It was quite a wingding with many powerful politicians from California. The Governator wasn’t there but I didn’t miss him. I don’t think anyone else did either as this was an event for liberals. Then this afternoon we’re going to celebrate Dave’s grandmother’s 97th birthday. Normally I’m very selfish with my time. It has something to do with being miserable during the week and needing time to collect but I’m getting past that because I feel like my future is going to be exactly what my heart wants, not what someone else expects of me, or even what I think someone else expects of me. I’m sure the latter has been driving me for some time.

Last week was sort of life changing in a surprising way. First, partially driven by that obnoxious hotspell we had earlier in the week, Dave said that he’d be ready to move up to the Pacific Northwest next summer. Even he is getting tired of San Fernando Valley summers and he grew up here. Then I’ve been having a tough time with a course. I’m considering dropping the course, which means I actually have to drop two-thirds of my dissertation project because I need to understand the course in order to do the project successfully. Well, okay, I guess I’ll start over with my research then. I’m not sure if I’m feeling relief about that or I’m still in shock so am not feeling anything. Then I started to wonder whether I wanted my PhD badly enough to put off moving up north for another year. Certainly there are many things I can accomplish down here: I’ll get an extra year of taking lessons with Barbara Vasilaros who has brought my riding to a whole new level since I began riding with her in February: on Thursday I jumped a course of ~3′ jumps very well, in control, and comfortably. I can also continue to volunteer at Ride On, the therapeutic riding center. And I could finish my PhD.

Except that I don’t think I want to suffer through yet another summer here. Apparently finishing my PhD isn’t that important to me. Probably not a big surprise to those who read here regularly. In fact, some undoubtedly are saying “see, I told you so!” And they’d be right to do so. Frankly I just don’t want to work that hard at something that doesn’t mean a lot to me. Ideally I’d have my Ten Acres with a View. Perhaps I’ll board a few outside horses. Perhaps I’ll teach at a community college. Perhaps I’ll go to work for the National Park Service Again. Perhaps I’ll work at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in Seattle. Perhaps I’ll get my instructor certification from Ride On and work at a therapeutic riding center up north. Perhaps I’ll start my own therapeutic riding operation. All of those things I mention are hard work but it’s work I care deeply about so I’m willing to do it.