It’s a sorry state of affairs when I have to check into my own blog. Yet the reasons for this is not so bad. I’ve been coming out of my little introvert, introspective shell to reach out to real live people and to do real live things. I feel as though I have blossomed a little bit; I’m turning into the person I really want to be: active, not afraid to interact with people or be social.
It’s been quite a week or two. I’ve had several social engagements this week and it did not freak me out. Normally one mid-week is too many. This time I’ve been thinking about the day, rather than the entire week, so I’ve not been overwhelmed by too mcuh social time. On Tuesday I went out to dinner with a few of my girlfriends. Last night Dave and I attended the exclusive Pat Brown Institute Awards Ceremony. Dave’s company is a sponsor the of Pat Brown Institute of Public Policy at Cal State LA so he happened on some free tickets. It was quite a wingding with many powerful politicians from California. The Governator wasn’t there but I didn’t miss him. I don’t think anyone else did either as this was an event for liberals. Then this afternoon we’re going to celebrate Dave’s grandmother’s 97th birthday. Normally I’m very selfish with my time. It has something to do with being miserable during the week and needing time to collect but I’m getting past that because I feel like my future is going to be exactly what my heart wants, not what someone else expects of me, or even what I think someone else expects of me. I’m sure the latter has been driving me for some time.
Last week was sort of life changing in a surprising way. First, partially driven by that obnoxious hotspell we had earlier in the week, Dave said that he’d be ready to move up to the Pacific Northwest next summer. Even he is getting tired of San Fernando Valley summers and he grew up here. Then I’ve been having a tough time with a course. I’m considering dropping the course, which means I actually have to drop two-thirds of my dissertation project because I need to understand the course in order to do the project successfully. Well, okay, I guess I’ll start over with my research then. I’m not sure if I’m feeling relief about that or I’m still in shock so am not feeling anything. Then I started to wonder whether I wanted my PhD badly enough to put off moving up north for another year. Certainly there are many things I can accomplish down here: I’ll get an extra year of taking lessons with Barbara Vasilaros who has brought my riding to a whole new level since I began riding with her in February: on Thursday I jumped a course of ~3′ jumps very well, in control, and comfortably. I can also continue to volunteer at Ride On, the therapeutic riding center. And I could finish my PhD.
Except that I don’t think I want to suffer through yet another summer here. Apparently finishing my PhD isn’t that important to me. Probably not a big surprise to those who read here regularly. In fact, some undoubtedly are saying “see, I told you so!” And they’d be right to do so. Frankly I just don’t want to work that hard at something that doesn’t mean a lot to me. Ideally I’d have my Ten Acres with a View. Perhaps I’ll board a few outside horses. Perhaps I’ll teach at a community college. Perhaps I’ll go to work for the National Park Service Again. Perhaps I’ll work at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in Seattle. Perhaps I’ll get my instructor certification from Ride On and work at a therapeutic riding center up north. Perhaps I’ll start my own therapeutic riding operation. All of those things I mention are hard work but it’s work I care deeply about so I’m willing to do it.
“I feel like my future is going to be exactly what my heart wants, not what someone else expects of me, or even what I think someone else expects of me.”
Wow! Talk about an “Aha!” moment. That is just fantastic!