The word "progress" bothers me because it makes me feel as if I must always be working toward something as opposed to just being. I resent having to do something all the time yet, I am most happy when I am making progress on anything from little chores on my daily to-do list to big dreams, like moving and starting a family. If I’m not making progress on something, I’m probably bored and frustrated at being bored. Yesterday was a perfect example: I rode Clipper in the morning and actually had a great ride. I feel like we’re making progress in our collective training. His canter is slower and more balanced; it’s not as much work for me. We also worked on a trot-in, 6 stride line. I fully expected him to stop at the second jump since we haven’t jumped that one in quite a while but he went right over then softly came back to a trot. We repeated that line several times and only once rushed the line in 5 strides. This easy work gives us both confidence. Progress.
However, for the rest of the day I was bored. I didn’t have much to do. The house was clean, laundry on the line, lawn was mowed, no pressing deadlines. I weeded the rose bed but that didn’t take very long. I certainly had the option to just be and enjoy my surroundings. Instead I chose to get frustrated about our lack of progress toward finding jobs and moving. I went to bed feeling a little dissatisfied, as though I had wasted a day.
Today is better, probably because my whole day is pretty much scheduled. I rode in with Dave and am on campus all day. This morning I revised draft 4 of my thesis then emailed it to my committee members this morning. Progress. My advisor had worked over the drafts quite thoroughly so I hope they have few suggested revisions. I still have to do the table of contents, lists of figures and tables, and all the pretty, formatting stuff. Clear goals. I also intend to file a 6" stack of journal articles, grade papers, and attend a meeting. Dave will pick me up at 4:30 then we’ll go to our favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner. I’ll eat 1 steak enchilada and bring the other home for lunch on another day. I’ll drink a glass of wine then probably read until bedtime. I feel very satisfied on days like these. Would I like every day to be like this? I doubt it but I don’t really like not having clear goals for each day either. Apparently I’m a much better human doing than human being. Do I want to change that. I’m not sure.
Like you, I’m programmed to be happier when I’m “accomplishing” something or “making progres.” It seems ingrained. “Just being” doesn’t come easy.
Betsy
You and I are a lot alike–have to have time fairly structured. Like you, I don’t understand why, but there it is. Sorry the job search is slow, but I know something is going to work out before too long. You said he might get a transfer, right? What are you thinking of doing? You’d make a great adjunct prof in your field–even at a community college. Sounds like you and Clipper are beginning to become as one. Nice.