I wasn’t exactly a child when I got married, not like Ellie was. I was 23, while she was 16 but I believe I was just about as worldly. Had more gumption and spunk than knowledge at the time. I had been on my own for five years at the time, which I thought gave me all the life knowledge I needed. There. I’ve lived my life, so now it’s time to get married and get on with the business of being an adult. Perhaps I thought getting married would make me a legitimate adult, which is funny because fourteen years later I still occasionally wonder whether I’m a legitimate adult.
Back then, in 1989, I had a good job as a bookkeeper, I lived on 1.5 acres in a double-wide with new carpet. I had a dog and two horses. Looking back, that should have been enough but I wanted more. I felt stretched so I thought adding a husband would provide balance, not knowing that a husband, that husband, would make me lopsided, on the wrong side, the side that was away from me.
College was still in front of me then. In some ways college took me backward. Oh wait, I was supposed to be here when I was 18. Now I’m 23 and don’t fit in very well because I’m older and married. Backward then forward, forward then backward. A married adult when I should’ve been a kid, a college kid when I was a married adult. I couldn’t find my peers nor my own bearings. Marriage didn’t help. It was confining because I had married a man with no imagination. He made fun of my imagination as if I was childish. Perhaps I was but so what, I say now.
I’m more comfortable being childish now. People who are close to me laugh at me when I describe my dreams. That hurts but I still go forward, wide-eyed and wondering what it might be like to… then I tell someone and she laughs. What’s so funny I wonder. Why is she laughting when I’m serious? It doesn’t hurt now because I’m filled with wonder and she’s not. Too bad for her.
I remember when I was getting married in 1989. An adult relative thought I wasn’t ready. She was probably right then. I felt very stubborn about it. I was going to do it and could not see any reason not to. I felt the burden of proof. Too in love with the idea of graduating into an adult and not seeing the myriad of choices, like enjoying my youth.